The Flip Side – The Benefits of Positivity

Posted on April 29, 2012 by BFT

What is positivity? Positivity is not the same as a blissful ignorance and blatant disregard of everything negative. It is a commitment to accept experiences as they are and to find meaning and value whenever possible. Meaning can be found in even the worst pain and sadness. We see this when bereaved parents fight for legislation in their late children’s names. And we’ve seen inspiring volunteer efforts and community growth following tragedies like the 9/11 terrorist attacks and Hurricane Katrina. But you don’t need to experience a major tragedy to benefit from positivity. There are opportunities for practice all around you – a speeding ticket, illness, a faulty alarm clock, fights with loved ones, a bad performance review. The key is to identify it as an opportunity and then to truly feel the benefit in it.

So what payoff can you expect from this kind of positive outlook?

  • a longer and healthier life
  • resilience
  • better social relationships
  • more creativity
  • a greater sense of well-being
  • better sleep
  • long-term development of more effective coping skills

There are other forms of positivity, especially positive emotions, which I will discuss in later posts. If you are interested in doing more reading yourself please leave a comment or contact me through my website, and I will gladly send you a reading list.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | Leave a comment

The Cost of Negativity

Posted on April 22, 2012 by BFT

Have you ever noticed that the more depressed you feel the fewer options you see? When left unchecked, negative and painful emotions frequently lead only to more of the same in a destructive downward spiral. Picture the eye of a tornado – dark, focused, and damaging. You may have felt this physically, such as with tunnel vision, or mentally, as with thoughts that suicide or other harmful behaviors are the only “way out.”

If you are in a dangerous situation – one threatening your physical safety – this narrowed perception may be just what you need to take life-saving action. It’s how animals survive in the wild. However, for humans in day-to-day life in the 21st century, this negativity spiral is much more likely to have detrimental effects on your:

  • relationships;
  • work, productivity, and earnings;
  • physical health (i.e., blood pressure, ulcers, immune system);
  • longevity;
  • self-esteem and confidence;
  • creativity and flexibility; and
  • recovery from stress and trauma.

The good news is that frequent and focused injections of positivity can help. Not only do positive emotions feel good in the moment, but research has shown that they also help to minimize the suffering felt during and following negative events. Watch this blog for more to come on what actions can help minimize your suffering!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Tips for Low-Pain Change

Posted on April 15, 2012 by BFT

Last week I talked about how disconcerting life’s mysteries are and how freeing it can be to appreciate the unknown. I’ve come to adopt this stance as I experience change in my daily life, as well, and it turns discomfort with change to excitement and interest at watching what comes next. Having observed my clients’ pain accompanying change and having lived through plenty of my own, I’ve come up with some tips to help make the process easier.

  1. View changes with curiosity rather than judgment. It’s amazing that when we do this successfully, life turns into a great novel with the ending still being written! And not only that, but new chapters can be added at any time, so if the last one didn’t feel very good, the next one very well might.
  2. Get rid of the notion of “right” or “wrong.” In my practice, we use the terms “more effective” and “less effective” instead. The world is generally not set up for black and white – there are many shades of gray to navigate and accept. Who is to say if the best car is a Ford or a Toyota? There are many factors and opinions that go into an evaluation, and in the end, they’re just cars.
  3. Change your vocabulary to include “transition.” It is a much gentler word than “change” to my mind and implies movement to another acceptable place. “I’m in transition” is also a marvelously positive way to tell someone, “I’m not exactly sure where I’m going from here.”
  4. Be open to more than one possibility. Who says you have to have this particular job? This particular guy? This particular neighborhood? There are a lot of exciting and wonderful possibilities in the world. Maybe another one will be just as good or even better.
  5. Remember a time when you’ve been surprised that something worked out even when it wasn’t the choice you thought you wanted. Maybe you received an unasked for Christmas gift when you were a kid or had the wrong meal served to you at a restaurant. Maybe you allowed a dreaded blind date to turn out okay. Chances are you’ve had the experience of enjoying something unexpected, and recalling these past experiences is a great way of getting through current emotional pain and worry.

The next time you find yourself going through a change or making a decision, give these tips a try and see how flexible you become.

Posted in Tips and Ideas | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Mystery Tolerance and Decision-Making Styles

Posted on April 8, 2012 by BFT

How much of a mystery can you stand? I was watching some fascinating shows on TV recently – you know: the ones about UFOs, Atlantis, Egyptian Pyramids, Sasquatch – and thinking that people seem to fall on a continuum of how much uncertainty they can tolerate. While I used to watch these types of shows hoping for some answers (and yes, I am a TV junkie!), I think I now watch for the opposite reason: it is exciting to me to live in a universe where so much is unknown.

Many of the clients I see live in a world of black and white. They worry with every decision they make that it is the “right” one. They are afraid of coming to the end of their lives and wishing they had made the other choice. (Have you seen the recent commercial for spaghetti sauce where the woman is left wondering how many other choices in her life she has gotten wrong!)

Sometimes this worry about getting things right leads clients to feeling paralyzed and unable to make any movement at all. At the extreme it can lead to obsessive thinking, fears and phobias, general anxiety, and depression. I see these clients and imagine that the idea of dying without knowing if there’s a God or if there’s life on other planets is intolerable. How many people chase these answers and die without knowing? And how must the daily struggle be for them when definitive answers to life’s question never seem to present themselves, even when the question is which spaghetti sauce to buy.

The positive psychology principle I am reminded of is “maximizing vs. satisficing,” where we can spend large amounts of time making just the right choice or we can choose the “it’ll do” option. Surely there are instances in life where the issue warrants maximizing: Do I vaccinate my child? Do I visit my estranged sister on her deathbed? Do I go to the ER with these chest pains? But there are many, many instances when the answer just doesn’t matter all that much: Do I take the highway or street route to work? Do I buy a wagon or an SUV? Do I serve Prego or Ragu on my pasta? My suggestion is to save your high energy decision-making for the serious, life-or-death questions. For the rest of the time, why not make do and enjoy life’s uncertainties?

Now I’m interested in your voice. Are you a “right-or-wronger” or do you love unknown possibilities? Express yourself in this survey and see where you stand.

Posted in Surveys | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment